I hurt myself by hurting you
by Semixtina
Summary: Santana and Rachel are together and in love, but the Cheerio is afraid of going public. Rachel is hurting, and Santana doesn't know what to do. Some emotional lady lovin'.


**Okay, so here's my first fanfic. I've had this idea running through my head for the longest time, and I just wanted to write it down.**

**It's a little bit strange, but I have a weird obsession with seeing or reading rachel cry. Yeah, I know, I have problems, ****_okay_****? lol**

**Oh, and the last thing. I am definitely in need of a beta, because I'm Spanish and I do not like it when someone butchers the English or Spanish language, let alone when I do it.**

**DISCLAIMERS: I do not own Glee or Christina Aguilera's Hurt.**

* * *

Santana opened her eyes, there wasn't sunlight blasting from her window, so she supposed that it was somewhere between twelve thirty (the time she and her lover had finally succumbed to sleep) and eight in the morning._No shit, Sherlock. _A smile tugging at her lips, the Latina tilted her head to the right, finding her girlfriend splayed on her bed, her blue sheets covering part of her chest and her hips. Her hair had formed a sinfully angelic halo around her peaceful looking face, showcasing her red swollen lips from the passion present between them just mere hours ago. As the taller girl examined Rachel carefully, not wanting to wake her up, _not yet_, Santana spotted the small purplish marks covering a patch of skin under her girl's ear and that run down her neck, a couple of them installed proudly on her right collarbone.

The raven haired stretched her sore muscles silently, and reached out a hand towards her girlfriend's face, caressing her cheekbone with the back of her hand. Supporting her head in her fist, which was propelled up by her elbow, the girl faced her slumbering girlfriend, a thoughtful expression marrying her features.

God. She loved Rachel so much. So much.

Rachel was her world. A world where she could always be the strong one, the brave one. When she was with the girl, she felt like she could do anything. But that wasn't the real world. In reality, she was a coward.

Not even she could understand most of the time how she could be cruel to her girlfriend at school. She could give lots of names justifying her behavior. Sue Sylvester. Quinn Fabray. Azimio Adams. In her mind, all of them were a good enough reason to keep the best thing that had ever happened to her a secret. But in her heart…god, in her heart she wondered everyday to herself how Rachel could stand it. How she could bear with her.

She was the strongest girl Santana had ever known. Everyday, she was taunted at school. By popular kids, by losers who tried to escalate their position on the social hierarchy present in William McKinley.

By Santana.

Everyday, the Latina saw the fake smiles her girlfriend sported at school. She was the only one who recognized them. She was the one who encouraged them.

Everyday, she was responsible for almost every tear her girl shed. Rachel thought she was being sneaky, thought that Santana wouldn't notice the light tear tracks that adorned her face each time that her girlfriend arrived to her house twenty minutes after her girlfriend did, not daring to even leave the building at the same time and in the same direction the petite brunette did.

She thought that day after day, when Santana would hug her in the shelter of her home and tell her how fucking sorry she was and how much she fucking loved her, the raven haired girl wouldn't notice the quivering in the Diva's voice, the way that she would pull the Latina even tighter against her, trying with all of her might to not allow the sobs to rack her body.

And then, she would tell Santana that everything was ok, that she loved her the same and that she understood why she had to do this.

She herself wanted to convince herself that it was because if Sue Sylvester found out about her, she would be kicked out of the Cheerios and she wouldn't be able to go to college without the scholarship.

But she knew that she didn't come out because she was afraid. Afraid of the stares, of the insults, of the rejection. She didn't think that her mom would kick her out, or anything, but she wouldn't be able to bear the awkwardness, the wary looks.

When she didn't think about it, it seemed a valid point for her.

Because, she needed the assurance that happened what happened, she would still have people to count on.

And that led to Rachel once again.

Who had Rachel to count on with?

Just with that thought in mind, the Latina realized that she had started crying. Silent, painfully guilty tears.

Wiping them off her face, Santana sat up, letting the sheets pool around her waist, leaving her chest exposed. With little effort, the girl crawled towards Rachel until she was seated between the slightly parted legs of her lover. With the movement, she had exerted herself out of the sheets, just resting on them. The girl reached out her hand, taking the rim of the sheet resting just above Rachel's heart, and slowly, dragged it down her body until she left her completely exposed. The Cheerio gripped her own tight, her nails biting on the tense skin. The sight of her girlfriend in all her perfection was breath taking. Never, in all of her seventeen years of live, had she seen something quite so beautiful. She could see Rachel's chest evenly raising and collapsing, flattening her stomach and making her breasts jut just the slightest bit.

The girl had stirred lightly at the feeling of the cold air kissing her newly exposed skin, making Santana stay still for several seconds, until the other girl adjusted her tights more tightly against Santana's and situated her hand just by her head. Santana observed her every movement with rapt attention, caressing her girlfriend's skin with her gaze. After some minutes of just staring, Santana moved carefully, so that she was hovering over Rachel, supporting her weight in her hands, which were resting on the mattress just below Rachel's armpits. Santana descended slowly, making sure that every bit of skin possible was connected to her lover's. The raven haired girl felt her girlfriend start stirring, and the Latina knew that Rachel had waken up, but the smaller girl gave no indication of annoyance at having been waken up at a probably ungodly hour.

Santana, smiling at her girl's acceptance, moved her mouth towards the Diva's ear, kissing the shell lightly over and over again, letting her tongue join after she felt more that heard the way Rachel's breath had hitched.

"I love you, baby" Santana murmured, letting her hot breath hit the smaller girl's ear, "and I'm sorry for everything. Everything." Santana felt a hand stroke up and down her back lazily, leaving goose bumps.

"Oh San. It's okay sweetie, why-" "_No_" interrupted the older girl, moving her head back and situating her elbows at each side of her girl's head, so that her forearms cradled her face "It's not okay, Rachel. And I'm so sorry that we made… that I made you believe that." The girl stopped, thinking about what she was going to say next. " Each day, when I see your face after I've done something bad to you…baby, you don't know how fucking much that hurts. And the worst part is that I could end that if I wanted…god, but I'm… I'm so fucking scared, Rach" she choked out. Her eyes were shimmering with unshed tears, their noses touching.

Rachel smiled weakly at her, her own eyes shining, and with the hand that wasn't caressing her lover's back, she moved Santana's hair out of her face. Rachel, as the good walking thesaurus she was, wanted to talk back. To reassure her girlfriend that no matter what, she still loved her the same, because she did. But instead, she could only keep breathing when the sobs arrived and racked through her body. Santana moved so she was holding Rachel's little frame with one arm, the other caressing her silky locks. After a few minutes, when Rachel's sobbing had reverted once again into soft crying, the Latina tilted her head back, so that she could look at her girl in the eyes, and pulled the hair out of her wet cheeks. As they got lost into each other, Santana ran her right hand up down Rachel's side, making her lover shiver.

The taller girl removed her other hand from under Rachel, and used it to lace her fingers with Rachel's, resting their joined hands on the pillow, above Rachel's head. The tan girl started kissing then Rachel's face: her forehead, her temple, her nose, her cheeks, her chin, and finally her lips.

By the time Santana had finished peppering her girlfriend's face with kisses, the younger girl had tears streaming heavily down her face again.

It was so big the bubble of emotions exploding in her chest, that she didn't notice the soft hand that was caressing her way towards her center. Just when Santana reached molten heat, Rachel's eyes snapped open, maybe at the sound Santana had uttered, or just at the sensation of her lover's fingers getting _so _in contact with her.

The Latina started peppering kisses around Rachel's mouth, covering her jaw, chin and the lower parts of her cheeks with her lips.

"_Hey Rupaul, is this yours?" Rachel heard a voice say just from behind her position at her locker in the school's hallway. When she turned, she found Santana Lopez with what definitely looked like a man's razor blade in hand, a very satisfied smirk etched clearly on her face._

_Rachel felt her shoulders drop the slightest bit, her eyelashes fluttering wildly as she fought against tears._

"_I'll have you know, Santana, that despite the fact that you and your fellow Cheerios continuously tend to tease me about supposed male genitalia present in my persona, and male behavior that include acts such like shaving, I would have no need to use that device." Snapped Rachel, squaring her shoulders and raising her chin, not showing weakness._

"_Well, well, who said that you would actually use the razor blade to _shave_, Man- Hands?"_

Santana's right hand was just teasing Rachel's clit, prolonging the sensations as much as she could. The girl underneath her had a firm grip on her hand, while the other one was resting on the Latina's lower back, the pads of her fingers pressed against the skin there, not wanting to sink her nails in the flesh and hurt her girlfriend. Santana, although mildly out of breath, was completely concentrated on the feelings she was evocating in the other girl, as well as on every expression of her face. She wanted to give her lover more, to make her fall over the edge, to give her the pleasure she wanted, she craved, she _deserved_. But she was too lost in the motion of circling her clit delicately, drawing out little whimpering noises mixed with tears.

The younger girl could feel the tears soaking her face, running towards her scalp and moistening Santana's lips, making her kisses wet.

_Rachel could feel the frozen drink seeping under her sweater and actually melting in their new location, inside her tank top. She didn't dare opening her eyes, mainly because of the burning sensation she was sure she was going to experiment the moment she opened them. Besides, she could already hear the laughter coming from everywhere. _

_Finally, managing enough courage and self control not to stay closed-eyed while she probably had a melt-down, the girl wiped her eyes as profusely as she could, and tried to push her way between the laughing students. Just when she had left the last student behind, a foot appeared out of thin air and caught hers mid-step, making her tumble down to the floor. _

_Luckily enough, the brunette managed to extend her hands in front of her just before she fell face first. The girl stayed like that, on her hands and knees, her face, sweater, hair and hands stained with slushy, half of her school just ten feet behind her, laughing at her and making fun of her. Not even one hand was extended to try and help her. _

_The only thing. Laughter. _

_But even with the whole school cracking up behind her, the only sound filling her head was Santana's delighted chuckle, closer than any of the other sounds._

Rachel's long slender fingers were now tangled in her hair, looking desperately for Santana's eyes, needing, craving to see her heart, her soul. Her other hand was squishing Santana's, resting just above her head. Santana had started sliding inside Rachel, slow, long, loving strokes that left them both breathless.

In that moment of total vulnerability, Santana could see the love and the fear in her girlfriend's eyes; the pain. Her own pain clouded her vision, making her start shedding her own tears. Rachel pulled her face close to hers by her hair, both girls almost crossed eyed in their desperation for each other.

Santana laid her body more fully on Rachel's, wanting to be even more connected to her that she already was. The smaller girl had started gasping lightly, her hips rocking gently against her lover's fingers, which were caressing her with such passion and love that she could feel her heart melting.

_Santana was inspecting her nails, fairly bored, when Quinn came stomping in the Cheerio's locker room._

"_FUCK!" roared the blonde girl, nearing the closest row of lockers and hitting them with her open palm, making a metallic noise silence every last shred of chatter present in the room. Santana looked up, mildly impressed by the Christian girl's vulgar language._

"_What now" murmured the Latina with a roll of her eyes, earning a few giggles out of the Cheerios closer to her, who were silenced once more by the glare that Quinn sent their way._

"_What now! Man- Hands! That's what!" exclaimed the tall Cheerio, raising her arms in exasperation. At those words, Santana's head snapped towards Quinn, her eyes widening comically for a second before she regained control of herself once again, and her face was a mask of indifference. _

"_What do you mean" asked the Latina carefully, repositioning herself on the bench she was sitting at, so now her body was facing her second in command._

"_Aaaarg!" Quinn looked positively on the verge of brain melting. The girl took a deep breath, and tried to talk as calmly as her raging hormones allowed her to. "She… Finn… aaaarg! Finn's after her! I…I saw them, him, watching her from behind the closed doors of the auditorioum. He left… he left saying mailman! Mailman!" The tale would have resulted fucking hilarious, not have been for the rage and fear that had started coursing through Santana's veins. _

_Finn Fucking Hudson was after her girl. Her Rache. And now, she was sure that Quinn was going to make something about it. Something that would probably leave Rachel crying disconsolately. Something designed perfectly to bring her incredibly down. Something that would break her. _

_And she would have to participate._

Santana had been hitting that spot for a few seconds, her wrist hurting from exertion, and she not giving a fuck. Rachel was looking at her. She wasn't looking for pleasure, for an orgasm. No. She was looking for her Santana, the one who made love to her, just because she wanted to feel close to her. The one who always had her walls up high, but that when was in private with Rachel, would destroy them, as painful as that could become sometimes.

Santana just wanted to apologize. To stop her girl from suffering because of her. And with each thrust of her fingers, each rocking motion that the taller girl made, she tried to show just that.

"I love you, I love you, I love you" started whispering the taller girl with each thrust of her fingers, making the light whimpers coming from her girlfriend and her tears amplify.

"I'm so sorry" continued the girl, her voice breaking with the quivering of her lower lip, the tears falling heavily now. She forced her head back, moving it from her resting position at her lover's forehead, and moved her gaze towards their joined hands; they were sweaty and trembling from the force that each one of them poured in the grip. Santana tugged at the hands, nearing them to her lips and kissing Rachel's knuckles softly, her eyes shutting tightly to stop the cascade of tears. When she gazed down once again, Rachel was looking up at her with such love and adoration that she couldn't help but press the fingers that were deep inside her harder against the soft spot that, she knew, would drive her girl crazy.

Effectively, once their joined hands were resting above the younger girl's head once again, Rachel had started shivering helplessly, her back arching lightly, and her former whimpering noises turning into full on moans.

Santana could feel the walls surrounding her fingers fluttering, signaling that Rachel was nearing her climax. They both had been rocking together for longer that was good for their sanity – of that Santana was sure – but she wouldn't change a thing, even though she would have to deal with the searing ache between her legs by closing her thighs. Because this wasn't _fucking_ , or even sex.

This was love. Pure, sheer love. Santana was just trying to give her girl everything she could without breaking; everything _she _could bear without drowning.

And Rachel seemed to understand what she was trying to do. Her orgasm wasn't far away now, all the love pushing her just that tiny bit more.

"_I'm sorry for blaming you_" suddenly echoed in the room, silencing the moans and the sound made by skin sliding against skin, as Santana stopped moving inside her girlfriend. "_For everything I just couldn't do_" continued the raven haired girl, her voice a husky, low sound. Then, the girl resumed her movement, intent on making Rachel hit the sky. "_And I've hurt myself_" the Latina squeezed her hand while she sang softly, watching mesmerized as the shorter girl tumbled over the edge, her eyes closed tight, her hand gripping painfully Santana's, her back arching and her mouth opening just enough to let a tender "_Santana_" fall from her lips.

"_By hurting you._"

Rachel, still recovering, didn't know what to say. Neither did Santana. But, looking at each other in the eyes, they both understood what the other was trying to convey.

_I don't want you to suffer anymore._

_I'm not ready to lose you._

_I won't lose you._

_You won't lose me. _

_You're my everything._

_I love you._

When Santana lifted her head from Rachel's after a few minutes of just _being_, the older girl removed the strands of hair trapped on her sticky lover's face and smiled weakly at her.

"So… a closeted Aguilera fan?"

Santana chuckled lightly, because,_god, did she love that girl, _and kissed her nose lightly.

"No. Not _closeted. _Not anymore."

And there, looking into her girlfriend's innocent eyes, seeing the slight confusion and hope swirling in them – besides thinking it was _way_ too adorable in comparison to the things they did in that bed – she knew that she had made a decision.

And, judging by the breath taking smile and the tears flooding Rachel's eyes when finally "_Ooh_" and the mind blowing kiss she was being pulled into and the glorious and nervous chuckle that left her mouth and _Oh God Rachel, you're flawless, _she knew that she had made the right one.


End file.
